So, I got to thinking about the new title of my blog (third one this year, gooooo decisiveness!!!) and wanted to explore it more with a post.

Let me first explain where the nickname "Gigi" comes from...don't laugh at me. Well, at least don't let me hear you.

I remember watching the television show, Gidget starring Sally Field when I was maybe 11 or 13, okay when I was about 15 years old and just really remembering thinking that I liked Gidget and wanted her lifestyle. Granted, her mother was deceased and she was raised by her dad, but her life just seemed so ideal and so different than mine. Don't get me wrong, I did not have a traumatic childhood (unless you count my brother nagging at me). I was blessed but our lives were just so different, me and Gidget.

It was probably one of the hallmark times in my growing, formative years when I realized that I wished that I was Gidget because I thought that her life could be mine if I were white. Mostly happy-go-lucky, eager to try new things and all of life's issues could be resolved in less than 30 minutes; what's not to like? Ultimately, she was journeying into adulthood and I so much wanted to do it with her and just like her too.

But alas (insert VERY dramatic sigh) this was not my life.

It was after college and some very challenging times in my twenties and thirties when I learned that I can live a life similar to Gidget or actually, that I am. While I do not live at the beach, surf and enjoy the warm weather of Cali, I do get myself "in and out of trouble" just like Gidget. And perhaps like her, I grow and learn from it - no two episodes/life lessons were exactly alike. I, like everyone else, am more complicated than I/and Gidget appear/ed on the surface. There are likely many things that I enjoy or am at my core that you can relate to but there are also differences that make me original, quirky, handcrafted by God and I am really beginning to like that.

So Gigi comes from sort of wanting to be like Gidget but realizing that Gigi sounds more close to my name and less far out (see me using my eyes to stare you down so that you don't tell me otherwise). So. My nickname is Gigi. Yes, I realize that it's odd that I gave myself this nickname, but at least I explained to you how it happened. Get on board please, you don't want to slow us down now do you?

Ahem.

The first picture shows confirmation of the seriousness of my relationship with Starbucks. Starbucks is a part of my DNA and with as much time as I've spent there and as many drinks as I've had, I think that part of my blood may pump out Caramel Macchiatos. So, I enjoy coffee. I like to drink the coffee, especially out of those red Christmas cups (who is with me?). Addicted? Maybe, but all of my friends accept this about me and know that it is an easy way "in". Get on board people!

The next photo shows me as a mom and a volunteer. This is Dylan. He will be 14 years old next month. I was widowed when his dad's humvee was hit by an IED in Iraq in 2004. This is a picture of us before the Memorial Day Parade last year. We decided not to walk in the parade with the group that focused on those they've lost but rather with the group promoting awareness for the Fisher House, Wisconsin. We stayed in two of the houses while the doctors attempted to rehab Dylan's dad - a traumatic experience. They are building one in Milwaukee (which would have been incredibly helpful for us in 2004/2005) and we want to help. As a mom to this very creative future screenwriter, I am quite busy and still learning a ton about myself. If you want to grow, the parenting gig is for YOU! I really appreciate that we have been able to volunteer TOGETHER at several events to raise awareness and funds for the Fisher House. Teaching and learning alongside my child, this is excellence to me.

In this photo, second from the right, you see that I am a friend and a disciple of Jesus Christ and this is the woman who helped me grow in both. This friend is a superstar. I won't say too much except that when someone tells her "no" or "you can not do that woman!" it is like an anthem or charge to tackle the project and make it cry that it ever considered that she would not be able to conquer it. Love her. This is a photo of us inside the top of the St. Louis Arch. I also like to travel and see new places. She and I have traveled with two other friends around Europe by way of a 12 day Mediterranean Cruise - once in a lifetime baby. This photo symbolizes a reunion that was long overdue and worth every minute of the time and effort put into getting there.

Finally, a picture of me "dropping the mic". This reminds me of a beautiful (that's the right word I think) experience with some of my sorority sisters at our Grand Convention last summer. In a conversation about Fraternity business we thought it might be best to respond by doing this. None of us did (we have got some home training), but I think we definitely felt it ought to have been attempted (before the escort out by security?). I am considered a fairly serious person but inside laugh and crack myself up at all kinds of things that I see. We are just a funny group of folks - society - ain't we? Well, if you don't agree, I can share with you why I think this is true. So, this is me in my home, with a mic that I'm about to drop. I ended up sending the photo to a few of the gurls and we still laugh about it to this day. Wishing that more days were filled with these kinds of moments. Or maybe that I only need to stop and look for them.

There are more faces of me, I hope you'll come back to visit and see them!

I am trying to connect to other bloggers and this seems like a great opportunity.

I started with a focus at the start of the year that I was fairly passionate about (my blackness - wha???) and realized that I do not want to work so hard at separating out parts and pieces of myself but rather that I would like to just be...me.

So, with that said, I do want to connect with others and learn about different parts of the globe and grow in my understanding of myself and others too. You know? Travel the world from the comfort of my own living room.

Today's attempt to connect in the blog world? A Hump Day Hop! link-up.

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I am so blessed to have the day that I'm having.

As the mother of a thirteen year old boy, one where I've been the constant parent for the majority of his life, he is learning what encourages me and then following through on it. No more XL sweaters, no more items from the clearance rack on his way out of the store, no oven mitts, just quality time and acts of service; my two biggest love languages. 

I love him, please hear me. I love him everyday, but on Mother's Day, I do not want a big fancy loud fuss. I don't want to cook or clean or do anything, I want to sit and enjoy him and do what I enjoy doing (blogging, reading, watching shows I've already seen). And so it can seem like I don't love my boy, but I really do. I tend to be hard on him and we have many conversations about his work ethic and doing things to serve and honor God - giving his best in all situations. His weaknesses are not ignored for his strengths; I push him and he doesn't always appreciate it but I continue to do it anyway. I think of myself as investing in his marriage to a godly woman who will appreciate what he has learned and become through me redirecting him to God. I want him to be peace-filled, a man of integrity and most importantly, faithful to God's plans and purpose for his life. I've told him and many mothers over the years how fortunate I am to have him but have long ago embraced that he is on loan to me because he actually belongs to God and that as a mom I only get to serve God through parenting (not my selfish desires), grow up while parenting him and then surrender him back to His maker.

Showing my love means (to me) some very matter of fact conversations about who he is, his strengths and weaknesses and sometimes even spankings (100% of the time that he lies - even at thirteen if need be) and my own preferences and dislikes and allowing him to respectfully point out hypocrisy or ask questions about the decisions that I am making for him in our home. He is not a little husband or companion to me and quite honestly, we are not even friends or pals. He is on a soccer team, goes to school and has buddies at church that can meet that need. I am his mother.

My time of influence is running out or at least the amount of influence is diminishing in comparison to what it was during his younger years, so I want to make the time I have left really count. I pray for him to be all of what God wants and since that includes a creative, engineering mind, I am working to support the development of those strengths and interests and talents for God's glory. 

He thinks that he would like to work in the film industry someday. We talk all of the time about the possibility of this and how pleased God could be with him seeking and saving the lost through his interest in films. So, when he asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day, the list included things he could do and things that would honestly encourage me. Gotta give some direction, right? As a side note, I will say that because of my blunt but loving direction to him since he was seven or eight about purchases and gifts for me, he has become very attentive to preferences of others which has turned him into a really good gift giver. He has found that it's really encouraging to him too.

So, he made the stop animation film, "The Race" (below) for me. It is a "dabrickbro99" (the name for his production company) original. 

I was beaming when I watched it. Fantastic, isn't it? For those who know me, yes, I did bring to his attention the grammatical errors; a mother and a teacher at heart, but the content?!? I was clapping at the end. We watched it four times in a row.

He also bought me a card and wrote me a poem. He took me to lunch (well, I drove, but he paid) and he was willing to take a "nice" photo with me after church this morning. 

I am constantly in prayer for this boy. I pray that the work I do and love that I attempt to show all year round is not only worthy of care and attention on Mother's Day but weaves itself into his character, his heart and into the life that he will go off and live without me in it each day.

I am thankful to be a mom. I know of so many who struggle to join this club naturally. My heart is with those friends who long to be mothers but have not yet had the experience or blessing to date. 

With all of that, I will leave you with the following poems that my shorty wrote to show his love for me on this Mother's Day. (They are shared here the way that I received them.)

Poem-ish #1.

Mom I love you,

For letting me do some of the things I love to do.

Mom I need you,

because you tell me what I need to do when I'm confused.

Mom your pretty,

even when your supersilly

Mom your just amazing,

Even when you don't think so


Poem-ish #2.

Mom your legite (legit)

2 legite 2 quit.

When your happy, Im happy

When your sad, Im sad

it is like we are bonded forever.

because when you smile

I smile (like the Justin Bieber song)

Happy Moms Day to ya

I love you mom!

And Happy Mother's Day to my own mom, who is a faithful reader of this blog and a constant supporter of me. She has taught me that mothering does not end when we leave the nest, it only changes over time. Thank you mom, I love you!

Which one is it?

I mean, really I will not buy a book that has an obnoxious, profane, inappropriate cover. I also tend to let things pass while everyone is telling me that I must read it. If it is a recommended book and I really enjoy it, I am so grateful to have had someone share about its 'inner goodness' with me, despite the cover.

99% of the time that I am purchasing a book these days, I am buying for a specific person, purpose or price. Cover will not be in the top three considerations unless I am leisurely shopping for books (What?!? People have time for this? I wish) and since I have so many unread books, the cover is not a priority for me.

I will admit that I used to shop this way. Ain't no shame in that game, but if this is the only way I chose books I would have missed out on some greats like Eat, Pray, Love, Anna Karenina and The Bible. 

Don't limit yourself to the cover - back or front - read some reviews, ask for input or just take a risk and read.

I do not have a favorite book based upon its cover. What has always stuck with me is the book's content. The cover has fallen to becoming a descriptor or an afterthought rather than a determinant of my enjoyment or appreciation of the book.

You have to read this book. 

Though I have only been to Paris once and with a six year in tow, I have a wonderful set of brown leather boots, some great photos and a suitcase of fond memories that make this big city may favorite.

Let me forewarn you, this is not a romantic story of Paris; well, not in the traditional sense of the word "romantic", but I found it quite lovely and touching and heartbreaking, isn't that romance? Quite contrary to our traditional sense of romance, Suite Française, Irène Némirovsky's masterpiece is a unique work of fiction about the chaotic exodus from Paris in June, 1940, as the invading German army approaches, and the complex life of an occupied village a year later.

Disturbing and complex in many ways, it is a book that I struggled with lending out because I had such an emotional connection to it. It was brought to me by a book club through the public library where I was the youngest woman by at least thirty years (I loved it by the way!). Some of the women can recall being children when this was happening, some of their families left France for America. Powerful.

I read this book about a year and a half after having been widowed by Operation Iraqi Freedom. I probably shouldn't have read it so close to the funeral, but I felt like I could handle it and did because of the strength of those families who dealt with and lived life through a war in their homeland. This has never been asked of me. While my life was turned upside down because of a war fought in a foreign land, much of the rest of my world was maintained; something these families can not say was true for them.


A piece of fiction, yes, but I  believe that fiction stems and grows from truth.

I need to go back and read it again, perhaps while I am on summer break. I did not read the letters in the back (those were real) and other book club members shared that those were almost more enjoyable and intriguing than the book itself. If that is true, I believe that I will need a box of Kleenex and my next trip to Paris to visit some of these villages on my calendar.

So, I'm working on it and not liking it very much. In fact, I'm a little sassy in my heart that I claimed such a big project as my first monthly goal and even more frustrated with yours truly for sharing it with the readers of my blog. However, I do appreciate that you will ask me about it and that sort of motivates me to keep going. That and that I really do want to enjoy the little bit of nature outside of our windows this spring, summer and fall.

So? Onward.

I paid $40 for a designing consultation session about sprucing up the yard (the front and the back). Bless the designer's heart, because I showed up a few minutes late into the hour and did not have measurements. No wait, stop and consider the ridiculousness of this. No measurements. For the yard. I guess I thought she would just know. As patiently as she could with little judgment and no ridicule, she drew up my designs with pictures from my first post about this goal and some input from a friend who helped me clean up the yard a few weekends ago; he joined us on FaceTime. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy hearing a person talk about their passion, especially women, but she was really over my head in a lot of what she was saying. Things like "you can arregate the soil and it will change the color of the plant" and "is it a you tree (actually a "ey ewe" tree). Twelve minutes into it, all I was thinking about was how much money it would cost for me to have someone come and do all of the rest of this for me and well, how much that would seem like cheating. 

Though I showed up without measurements (I mean, come on Regina!) I did know what I liked and had it clearly sectioned off on Pinterest) and that redeemed the remainder of the hour with the designer. That is something about myself that I beamed inside about. I do know what I like. Having spent time on that, she was able to get an idea of what was workable and what she should stay away from. She said no to succulents, but I do still think I'd like to try one or two - they are so beautiful. 

Here is what she came up with. The one on the left is the backyard and the one on the right is the front and part of the backyard. 

There will be hydrangeas, lilacs, feather reed grasses, white baby's breath, angelina sedum (yep, whatever that is), minuet weigela, roses, lavender bushes and even one royal star magnolia tree. There will be black eyed susans and boxwoods too. I want color and depth and a yard that is fairly easy to maintain. There will be some watering required, but I already have cute watering cans for that and some trimming back of the roses, but have been told that this should be fairly easy and can probably watch a video on line to prepare. My kind of yard!

Wanting to know what is in the yard is a large part of what is moving me to consider planting things myself, (roll of eyes, head thrown back dramatically, mini-temper tantrum on the horizon) though I am wondering if there is a way to do both? Have someone else do the installation and still know exactly what is in my yard and how to care for it. There.Must.Be.A.Way. (said like the superheroes when they are striving to save the planet)

Not willing to be thwarted from the ultimate goal of landscaping the yard, I have still determined that this project can and will be done and prayerfully a large part of it by me. So, I took the measurements; better late than never, right?

Don't they look good? I mean, they are not perfect, but I actually went out to the toolbox and grabbed the measuring tape and measured the spaces so that I can give a more accurate portrait of the yard and purchase enough  yard goodies to fill it in and make it look great. I am so very excited about moving one step closer to completion, that I am willing to go back to the store with the measurements tomorrow (on Mother's Day) to order the items and be sure that I have plenty of what I want and "need".

I believe the next step is to pay for said items, ensure that I have plenty and then to have it delivered. Then, I must decide whether I should be the one to plant it all myself, to have helpers or to pay the company to do it myself. I am open to suggestions and tips for pulling this off. While not specifically locked into how it gets done, I am all about hitting the deadline of having a pretty, easy to maintain yard by Friday, May 31st.

Thank you for cheering me on, I want it to be a long lasting success so that we can enjoy it when you come over.

So, you may have noticed that I've changed the name of my blog.

It was time. Let me explain...

I am learning to speak up, to speak out, this is something that I am being called to do. You see, I was a chameleon. A people pleasing, shape shifting, pushover. I learned early on when moving from Georgia to Wisconsin at ten years old to watch people, do what they do and unfortunately in some regards to try to become them. As if there was something wrong with me, just being me.

I truly buried myself in acclimating to my environment during those highly formative years and since the start of the year am really seeing how against God's plan this is. He does not call me to be like Susie or Janie or Shalonda, but I am called to be like Jesus; to imitate Him while being the me that He has created. (For the record, if you don't know why I capitalize the "h" in He, it is because of my written respect for my creator and to help clearly distinguish Him.)

Anyway. It has been rough going. I have struggled and struggled with many things, including blogging because I am constantly holding back  and feeling like a bit of a mini-fraud since January focusing only on my blackness while not really living my life that way. No worries though because I know we all grow and change - or at least we ought to - and so you'll be gracious with the name change and more realness from me about me. I do not want to hold back my real self from the world because I am seeing how God can use it to His glory. And quite honestly, I can see how holding back has hurt me and my relationships because I've meant or felt something, did not say it and let the relationship progress on with particular unexpressed expectations and ended up down a road that I (nor the other person) desired. Talk about a mess to clean up.

So, I will still be my black self - whew, right? - still take on challenges (you are going to laugh out loud when you find out what my June challenge is), still read books and review movies, travel the city and world and still write about it. But, because I am discovering how real the Bible is when it talks about my freedom in Christ, I am realizing that I should be living it and if I'm living it, I will not be able to help but share.

As I hope to be a great and transformational leader in the education system here in Milwaukee and hopefully nationally someday, I do not want my blackness to be the only focus that people weigh when they work with me. I still want to break down stereotypes and help open up mindsets of adults working with children in education, so I take this new title very seriously and will be pushing myself to share as I grow. 

I believe that He has great plans for me as myself and that I am free in that. I feel this way about suddenly seeing the benefit and need of being ME!

I had to check myself because I almost wrecked myself.

I saw a wonderful resolutions list put together by another blogger and in one night decided I wanted to do that too. Then, I did. I made up a list of things that I wanted to do, give, get, try and travel to and then two days later, I deleted the post. Nicole over at Three 31 is fabulous in her quest to accomplish her resolutions (she's on her second year) and I'm going to try and help her knock at least one thing off her list. I had to 'snap snap' myself back into reality with a look of disbelief, rolled eyes and overly dramatic turned up lips. Just because she is doing so many great things and putting it out there for all to see doesn't mean that I can or should try to do the same, especially in the same way. 

I do, however, want to set my sights on somethings and blog about them, so with that in mind, I AM going to be giving myself one bigger challenge each month. A challenge to do something that I wouldn't normally make time to do or to try something that I may enjoy or am intrigued by or that just needs to be done while experiencing an adventure. 

So, here we go. This month's goal is to landscape the yard. 

Today, it looks like this:

But, I'm hoping for a final product that resembles these gardens. I have a huge crush on Pinterest, by the way. 

My first step is finding out what I can do based upon the weather and where the sun rises and sets on our tiny plot and of course stay within my budget. I will be calling to set up an appointment to meet with a professional and finding out how to fill the beds and for recommendations about growing green grass without pesticides. 

It is my hope that our tiny, tiny yard can be turned into an oasis for friends to come and relax during the spring and summer months. I want it to be a place that I can take a couple of steps into and spend time quality with God while being outside; a place to sit and watch the birds and bunnies and to lounge and listen to the things I need to acknowledge deep within my heart.

With plenty of work ahead, I am eager to get started on my first monthly challenge. Stay tuned for updates, lesson learned and for photos of the progress.

Ahhh...Saturday afternoon.

It is the first one that I've been able to actually do some relaxing outside. I live in Wisconsin and the weather is a conversation everyday. Either it's too cold (most of the time) or it's too hot (stop complaining, it'll be cold again in a minute). I have become accustomed to the seasons and appreciate the winters so much more because it brings us days like this. Spring! 

This is a picture of me. I am outside, with only a sweatshirt and jeans and my Uggs - so that's saying something about how nice it is - this girl, outside without a coat, I'm just sayin'. No bugs, no rain, no snow and simply a quiet afternoon. 

I am so thankful to God that I live in a neighborhood and home where this kind of setting is only steps away. We are not concerned about feeling unusually unsafe living in this suburb of Milwaukee; I do lock my house when I leave and my car doors in my locked garage, but today I spent a large amount of time reading my Bible (I'm studying the book of Colossians now) eating ice cream with the boy and now am just sitting and appreciating this time to sit and reflect.

A friend just asked me how my week was and I chose to share with her the highlights of the week. Here are a few: 

• a renewed contract and raise for a job that I am grateful they think I do well
• time to connect with my teenage son on some things in his character and a couple of revelations in my own
• the opportunity to mend a relationship that was about to be torn to smithereens with an apology and conversation
• the possibility of returning to a service opportunity that I left behind earlier in the year                                            

Many blessings, but this week was "a lot". And life has been "a lot" lately because of the recent separation from my husband.

It was at my request and has been very tough on both of us and the children. I only share about the separation because it is a big part of my heart and time and energy. I will not use this blog to air any frustrations about my husband and will not turn this blog into a place to complain and vent. I do share about this rift in our marriage though because it is largely affecting how I am currently living my life. I have been holding back and not being very transparent because of my fear. Fear of what you will think of me, fear of what I will be challenged to consider in my faith and ultimately whether I've made an irreparable mistake.

I have long needed to bring this weakness (of elevating people's opinions) before God and allow Him to take it away from me. So, I will unload a bit of it here on my blog as I grow in it. To be clear, it is not so that you can "pick it up" as a reader and do anything with it, but only so that I can be more of myself and share more of my heart. If you are moved to pray, I welcome that or to offer a listening ear, I would be encouraged but the sharing is for no other reason than for me to open up a little more.

Just like the winter months have come to an end and the days have become longer and the temperature has warmed up, I appreciate that my heart is being defrosted and opened before God. A black woman, yes. More importantly though, a black woman who does fear the Lord and wants to be pleasing to Him. So follow my posts as best as you can, I do not know exactly where I am heading except outside of my comfort zone.